I used to be all about being productive and getting things done. I liked to quantify things: the number of books I read, the number of blog posts I write, the amount of time it took for me to get promoted, etc. I wanted to squeeze the most out of my time the same way one would squeeze all the juice out of a lemon. Every single drop of juice must be utilized.
This mentality served me well, and I appreciate it.
But then it became suffocating.
There was an "I" pushing myself to do things and feeling anxious for every "unproductive" minute. There was another "I" being smothered and wanting to take a break and just chill. Not until recently that I realized I had been abusing and bullying myself.
My desire, my drive for perfectionism, and my ambitions were so powerful and loud in my head that I lost touch with myself.
Then I realized this mentality, which used to work, had become counter-productive. Not only that, but it also made me miss life. After all, if I was not enjoying my life, what's that point of anything?
Ultimately, there was this battle between the futurist me and the current me.
The futurist me was always planning and worrying about the future. She asked the current me to do things for the future me. The power dynamic between these two "me"s was off: the futurist me was so powerful that the current me had no room to breathe. The futurist me was so loud that I couldn't hear her crying for help.
The current me wasn't happy.
I wasn't happy.
What's the point of always working for the future if I could never enjoy my current life?
If I never allow myself to enjoy what I already have and am constantly only thinking about the future, then by definition, I will never be happy, since the "future" will never arrive.
I used to determine if it's time-well-spent entirely based on if it benefited the future me. If I had a good time but it didn't seem to benefit my future, I would feel slightly guilty and told myself it's time to get back to work.
"Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time."
This sentence speaks to me. It makes me realize enjoying life is not a waste of my time. On the contrary, the whole point of life is to enjoy it. What better way to spend my time other than enjoying it?